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Kathy Mordecai \\\\\\\"Ty\\\\\\\'s Mom\\\\\\\"
 IP: 70.142.50.64 Nov 19, 06 - 1:42 AM |
Need Your Advice
As many of you know my son Ty was murdered on August 3, 2006, at the young age of 23. Ty had full custody of his son, Riley. Riley had his 3rd birthday in October 2006. Both Ty and Riley lived with me. Ty had an exceptional relationship with Riley. Even at the young age of 23 Ty was an amazing daddy, Riley was everything to Ty. The bond between them was unbelievable. Ty did not leave the raising of his son to me even though they lived with me. Ty was the major caregiver to his son and would have it no other way. I mean how many 23 year old young men have full custody of their son. Ty fought for custody of his son and wanted custody more than anything. Since Ty's murder, the courts gave custody of Riley back to Riley's mother, so not only did Riley loose his daddy, he was taken from the security of the home he knew to a different home. Yesterday, I received a telephone call from Riley's mother, she asked if was home. I told her that I was not. I asked her if everything was ok, do I need to come home? She said yes, we are at your house and will wait for you. Riley was having a really bad day. He had been asking for his daddy. When she told him that "daddy is in heaven with Jesus and the Angels with the moon and stars, that answer was not good enough anymore. He yelled NO, I want my daddy and cried. Then he started crying and wanted his NANA which is me, so she came to my house. I came home, Riley and I played and talked until he calmed down and was again smiling. We took Riley to one therapist shortly after Ty's murder. Her advice was---just tell him over and over---HE IS DEAD, HE'S GONE AND WILL NEVER BE BACK!!! Sorry, I don't think so. We never took him back. We have another appointment with someone else, however, when talking to her on the phone, she mentioned that we should take all pictures of Ty out of site and not mention Ty to Riley. Riley has pictures of Ty in his room and he talks to those pictures and he kisses each picture goodnight before he goes to bed every night. Both Riley's mother and myself have more than once heard Riley talk to his daddy and laugh saying things like "did you see that, daddy funny" and carry on conversations with his daddy. I just don't see that removing pictures and not talking about Ty to Riley is a good thing. I mean eventually when Riley is older he will ask and want to know. Can it possibly be better to hide pictures and pretend his daddy never existed and then hit him with the truth later. Granted he is much to young to understand Murder or death, but surely there is a better way to help Riley deal with the loss of a daddy that was such a major part of his life. If we do as the therapist suggests, that would mean that I would have to remove all pictures of my son from my home and Riley's view. I can't imagine doing that. I will of course if in fact that is best for Riley. I am just not sure that is the right way to help Riley. Please give me your views and what you think. Sadly, I am sure that others out there have experinced similar problems. I am very close to all my grandchildren especially Riley now that his daddy and my son was ripped from us by that sub-human creature that murdered my son. If you have any ideas or advice PLEASE LET ME KNOW. I am not coping with my son's murder very well myself, but I must help Riley cope. He loved his daddy so very much. There must be a better way to help him cope that removing Ty's memory from his life. |
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Maura (Melissa's Mom)
IP: 205.188.116.200 Nov 19th, 2006 - 6:11 AM |
Re: Need Your Advice
Kathy my daughter Melissa was murdered Dec 13, 2006 at the age of 28. Although Melissa had no children of her own my son has a little girl who is now 5 and she and Melissa had a special bond that was amazing. Melissa was teaching her dance (Melissa was a dancer all her life) and the love that they had for each other is amazing. Kaytlyn was as attached to Melissa as she was her mother. When we had to tell her that her Mickey Lissa (that is what she called her when she was little because she couldn't say Melissa) had gone to heaven she could hardly breathe. She was just gulping and shaking her head up and down. She wouldn't say anything to anyone. Her mother said for the rest of the day she wouldn't talk to anyone. And then later on she started asking her mom questions. Of course we didn't tell her the details of the murder as she is too young (and she still doesn't know that someone killed her )but she didn't understand why God couldn't fix her Mickey and bring her back. We did tell her that Melissa would always be with her and watch over her. Well her mom has surrounded Kaytlyn with pictures of Melissa because she doesn't want her to forget. She wants the memories to live on in her heart. And she has found on many occasions where Kaytlyn has said she and Mickey were playing together and she talks to Melissa and sees her a lot. She'll go into Kaytlyn's room sometimes and she is dancing and singing and she says with Melissa. I know that all children handle things differently and Kaytlyn was not Melissa's daughter but they had a bond like mother and daughter. I'm not a therapist or anything like that so I wouldn't give advice. I think you should follow your heart. Also you might try a christian therapist. You also can find maybe books on children and grief. You are in my prayers Kathy as well as all the moms. Ask God to show you the right thing to do. God Bless You, Maura (Melissa's mom) |
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michele
IP: 71.97.129.97 Nov 19th, 2006 - 11:15 AM |
Re: Need Your Advice
dear kathy, i am no professional but since you asked, my advice to you would be to listen to the advice that you got from the first therapist by telling riley that his dad is dead and that he will not be comming back. you will need to keep telling him this as he is only three. you are grown and still have a hard time accepting ty's death. You understand what i mean? denial is a normal stage of grief. when your mind is ready to accept ty's death it will. same with riley. as for the advice of the second therapist-i think that is a bunch of crap! do not remove ty's photo's or pretend that he never existed!!! i cannot see how that could help. ty's life was much too important to be "swept under the rug"! he was and still is a wonderful important person! death does not break the bonds of love. love comes from the soul and the soul is what lives forever. children are more in tune with the spiritual world and do not have the skeptical side that us adults have. he may be receiving visits from ty's spirit and that may be why he comments on seeing his dad. listen carefully to his dreams and comments about things he says about ty. I believe that he is not just making up stories! ty is trying to comfort both of you right now, but as adults we learn to dismiss the signs or make "rational" excuses for the signs we receive. a child of three just accepts these things. try this: put a toy on the bed and ask riley where is the toy. then cover it with a blanket and ask again. when he says that the toy is still there tell him that is kind of the way it is with daddy. just because we cant see him anymore does not mean he isnt still here. the spirt NEVER dies. share your pain and let him know that you miss ty too. just hold eachother and cry. you can help comfort each other through this. i want you TOO to look for signs from ty. they will comfort you. do not dismiss them. he is still with you kathy. LOVE NEVER DIES. love you much, michele |
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Lorre
IP: 207.200.116.70 Nov 19th, 2006 - 11:21 AM |
Re: Need Your Advice
Dear Kathy, I think that if Ty's pictures have always been there then they should stay there. Riley is trying to find his bearing and things have already changed enough. I think that your home should stay constant as he begins to process losing Ty. If you remove the pictures he may begin to fear that everything he loves will just disappear. I don't know what it is with therapists in your neck of the woods...maybe Maura is right with the idea of a christian therapist...Riley needs to be able to safely address his grief and as we all know, pretending it didn't happen just doesn't work. And, doesn't it make us crazy when people act like our murdered children were never here to begin with? I'm no therapist either, buy like Maura and yourself, I think we have common sense the good Lord gave us. I know that it's exhausting but I think a different therapist would serve Riley better. I will pray for this for you. Is there a "parents of murdered children" chapter in Oklahoma near you, maybe they might have a therapist referral? Love and Hugs for Riley, Lorre |
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Beverly A Ribaudo
IP: 71.84.215.63 Nov 20th, 2006 - 2:36 AM |
Re: Need Your Advice
Hi, Kathy... Sorry I haven't called you, but I have been so teary-eyed lately. My daughter's children were as close to Michael as any child could be. My son's children are in Idaho and just the oldest one really remember their father. However, the way my daughter's children are handling their uncles death is: 1. They realize he is dead and never will be coming back. 2. December 9th will be Ryan 1st birthday. This is my oldest grandson's baby. Christopher and Lorraine do not want Ryan to forget Michael, even though he is really too young. However, when Ryan sees a picture of Michael, even if Michael is in a picture with other family, Ryan touches Michael's face. Per Christopher and Lorraine's request, a picture of Michael will be nearby at his birthday party. They have requested that a picture is taken with Ryan holding this picture of Michael. 3. Cody is Michael's youngest nephew. He is 8 years old. At least once or twice a week he wants to go to the cemetary to talk to Michael and place flowers. We take him and he does talk to Michael about whats been going on. If he has been bad during the week, he tells his uncle. And Cody as well as my other grandchildren go on Michael's Memorial Website to lite candles. 4. Even though Michael is dead and we know he will never come back in body, we know he is with us every day in spirit and memories. Michael is still a part of our family. Death did not take this away.. 5. I would never tell my daughter, grandchildren or any family member or friend to put away pictures. These are all that we have. 6. Talk to Riley and let Riley know who is Daddy is. He is young and his memories will fad, but don't ever let him forget who is Daddy is... Keep those pictures.... http://michael-ribaudo-sr.memory-of.com http://pic7.piczo.com/myangelmichael Kathy, when I am feeling better, I will call you. Love |
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Lorre
IP: 207.200.116.70 Nov 20th, 2006 - 9:52 AM |
Re: Need Your Advice
Dear Kathy, Something that I wanted to add was that in therapy my daughter's therapist was very specific that the bodies died, i.e. when grandma's body died, when Taelor's body died, etc. That's why she still calls caskets body boxes. The point being that body's can die because on some occasions, they get hurt so badly or are so sick that doctors can't make them better. Then God brings the person's spirit who we love to Heaven and their feelings and love do not die, they never die. He used a puppet of a catapillar that turned into a butterfly to illustrate this. Yes, the catapillar's body dies but then the beautiful spirit lives forever in the butterfly. We did reiterate that the bodies did die, but that they were still with us in spirit, and would always be. Love, Lorre |
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