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Valencia
 IP: 167.88.178.70 Nov 16, 06 - 11:59 AM |
Holidays
My son was killed in 2004, by the hands of another young man. My struggle other than the lost of my only son, is that people think I should be over the grief by now. How long is long enough to hurt for your child? |
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Kay Crawford
IP: 209.136.134.30 Nov 16th, 2006 - 2:21 PM |
Re: Holidays
Valencia, Infinity and beyond is not enough time to grieve the loss of one's child. Noone should dictate when you SHOULD be done grieving. Personally I know it will never stop for me. I think of my son each and every day I am alive and breathing. |
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Michelle Simon
IP: 65.196.101.100 Nov 16th, 2006 - 2:47 PM |
Re: Holidays
Valencia, you will NEVER get over the loss of your son. The pain of losing him and not having him as part of your life will never go away. One of my neighbors lost her son 20 years ago and told me recently that she still grieves for him. Of course she has more good days than bad now, but 20 years later she still weeps on his birthday, the anniversary of his death or when she sees a child that looks like her son did. My husband and I tell people constantly that we will miss and grieve for Myles as long as there is breath in our bodies. But with Gods help we will be comforted by the fact that our little angel is in heaven and the pain of losing him will be a less traumatic to our minds and bodies over time. Our surviving child also keeps us focused on moving forward and trying to carve out a good life for her and ourselves. |
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Lorre
IP: 207.200.116.70 Nov 16th, 2006 - 7:43 PM |
Re: Holidays
Dear Valencia, I've heard something to the effect of, "I was crying for you today when one of my tears fell in the ocean. The day they find that tear is the day that I'll stop missing you." In other words, you will not ever stop missing or loving your child. Nor should you. People are always in such a hurry for others to "get over it". But we know the truth...your life changed when your child was murdered and that change cannot be reversed. Maybe the real question is, when will those around us accept the fact that we are different? I believe that if our society knew how to embrace grief it would be a much easier (and faster) process. But this society does not accept most natural processes such as weight gain after babies, wrinkles, baldness, etc! And grief is far more complicated. Plus grief reminds people of death and nobody seems to think that they're going to die as long as there is botox and plastic sugery! Let me slide of my soapbox here... Valencia, you take as long as you need to grieve your baby. Anybody that is worth knowing will stick around...the rest you didn't need anyway. We're here for you whenever you want. Godspeed~ Lorre |
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michele
IP: 71.97.129.97 Nov 16th, 2006 - 9:19 PM |
Re: Holidays
just wanted to comment on your question about how long should it take to get over it. losing a child is such a complex greiving process. especially by a violent death. six years later i still find people acting as if i should be over this by now. greif is not something one gets over but rather goes through. there is no definate end. our hearts will always ache for our dead children. i have found a place of peace about what has happened. i accept it. life has a new reality now and i have learned to move through the deepest part of my grief and no longer feel hopeless and full of despair. as more time goes by i feel like fewer and fewer people understand the pain that still lingers. the lord has helped to heal my aching heart but there are still times that it all comes rushing back. others cannot understand. so at times like these lean on your friends who have experienced the pain like no other. it has only been two years since you lost your son. this is a long hard journey you are on. be patient and be prepared that others will not understand. us parents who have had a child murdered do understand. lean on us as we will lean on you. we all share an unfortunate bond. but a bond non the less. pray for understanding from others, michele |
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Karren ~ Christopher's Mom in Mississippi
IP: 74.227.57.77 Nov 17th, 2006 - 11:09 AM |
Re: Holidays
VALENCIA, SWEETY YOU DON'T HAVE A TIME LINE. THIS IS NOT SOMETHING THAT OTHERS CAN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND. TOMORROW WILL BE 3 YEARS SINCE CHRISTOPHER WAS MURDERED AND BELIEVE ME IT IS STILL SO HARD. AND I UNDERSTAND THE FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHO THINK YOU SHOULD BE OVER IT. THIS JUST TICKS ME OFF SO BAD. AND THEN I THINK TO MYSELF ... YA KNOW THIS IS MY BABY, MY HEART ACKE, AND THE HAND THAT I HAVE BEEN DEALT. I KNOW THAT IF KNOWONE ELSE UNDERSTANDS, WELL I CAN PULL INTO MYSELF AND THERE CHRISTOPHER AND I CAN SPEND AS MUCH TIME AS I WANT ON MEMORY LANE. I FEEL THAT AS LONG AS HE IS WITH ME THAT I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS. AN EXAMPLE OF NON UNDERSTANDING PEOPLE: ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS MOTHER DIED THIS WEEK AND WAS BURIED YESTERDAY. I WAS ASKED BY SEVERAL OTHERS IF I WANTED TO RIDE WITH THEM. I WENT TO TAKE FOOD AND SEE HER ON WED. DURING THE DAY WHEN NOT MANY WERE THERE YET. I TOLD HER THAT I JUST COULDN'T BRING MYSELF TO ATTEND THE SERVICE. SHE UNDERSTOOD. OR I FEEL THAT SHE DID. BUT WHEN I TOLD OTHERS THAT I JUST COULDN'T SUBJECT MYSELF TO THE ATMOSPHERE OF A FUNERAL, THEY SEEMED TO ACT AS THOUGH I SHOULD BE OVER IT BY NOW TOO. BUT I JUST DON'T GIVE A C***. I PAID MY RESPECTS BEST WAY I COULD AND I WILL EVEN BE TAKING HER SOME OTHER FOOD AND CHECKING ON HER BEFORE THE WEEKEND IS UP. YA KNOW' WE JUST HAVE TO DO WHAT WE CAN HANDLE BEST. I HAVE NOT ATTENDED A FUNERAL FOR 3 YEARS. I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO WALK BACK IN THAT HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM, NOR IN MY CHURCH WHERE CHRISTOPHER'S SERVICE WAS... SO YA SEE VALENCIA THIS HEART ACKE IS FOR ETERNITY. GOD BLESS YOU AND HOLD YOU CLOSE, YOU COME TO US IF YOU NEED UNDERSTANDING AND LOVE. KARREN |
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Randi-Mark's Mom
IP: 75.2.149.111 Nov 17th, 2006 - 11:31 AM |
Re: Holidays
Valencia, I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand what you mean when others think that you should be over your grief. It's very sad and frustrating that one would even think of such a thing. My Aunt tells me all the time that I have to stop dwelling on the past. She doesn't have a clue on what I and all of us here go through every single day! Don't listen to what others say about you needing to be over your grief. Hugs to you, Randi |
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Kay Crawford MOMS of Joshua delaney
IP: 70.33.51.131 Nov 18th, 2006 - 11:37 AM |
Re: Holidays
The Mourner’s Bill of Rights by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain “rights” no one should try to take away from you. The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones. 1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling. 2. You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent. 3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition. 4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do. 5. You have the right to experience “griefbursts.” Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out. 6. You have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen. 7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality. If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment. 8. You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do not have to accept them. 9. You have the right to treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them. 10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever. |
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Lorre
IP: 207.200.116.70 Nov 18th, 2006 - 5:40 PM |
Re: Holidays
Dear Kay, Amen and hallelujah to that! Each point so very true. They ought to give this out at funeral homes! See, we're not crazy-we're grieving!!! Thank you so much for sharing this wise and accurate information. The only other thing that I've read that could be added to this is that the last stage (of the 5 stages of grief) is not acceptance in all cases but rather accommodation in some. We will never accept the murder of our kids! God bless~ Love, Lorre |
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Yvonne Sheppard
IP: 71.203.250.153 Nov 19th, 2006 - 1:16 PM |
Re: Holidays
AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Kathy-Tom's mom
IP: 205.188.116.200 Nov 22nd, 2006 - 5:45 PM |
Re: Holidays
I thank God for you moms...this is my first Thanksgiving with out my beloved son Tom...no one understands...it's as if you can read my mind. I'm so glad I found you...God bless us as we make our way through these tough days ahead. Thank you for the beautiful poetry and other words of wisdom... |
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Karren ~ Christopher's Mom in Mississippi
IP: 24.119.236.69 Nov 23rd, 2006 - 10:09 AM |
Re: Holidays
Dear Kay, That was great.... And I'm with Lorre, this should be given out at funerals. I love you all and hope that each of you can enjoy Thanksgiving in the best way that you can. Even through our grief we all still have so much to be thankful for. I am most thankful for my children and my memories... God Bless you all, and Happy Thanksgiving, Karren |
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