WELCOME TO MOMS MESSAGEBOARD

Lorre

IP: 207.200.116.70

Sep 21, 06 - 11:18 AM

New Lesson

To all of my beloved friends,

As you know, I lost my adored grandmother (Dad's Mom) on Sept. 11th. We have just finished all of our memorials, funeral, etc. And out of towners are heading back to their homes.

I wanted to share something that occurred to me when we had the graveside service...the pastor was speaking about how much we loved my Grandma and how thankful we were to have her, here in our lives, for so many years. He said we would now be returning her to God with gratitude for the time that we had with her and the light that she brought in our lives.

This got me thinking to how Tracey wrote to me that everything that we love comes from God and returns to God. And I think I had something of an epiphany-which is of course-easier in theory than in practice. I was thinking, a huge part of my grief is the longing that I have for my parents, my son Taelor and for Josie and the future that Taelor and she were not able to share. For what evil deprived us all of.

Then I began to think, maybe the challenge for me (and where healing might come from) is being able to release the sadness from my heart and to return them to God with gratitude. Mind you, I already believe that they are with God, but it is a much harder and more complex step to turn my own sorrow into gratitude and living my faith that we will be reunited. That God chose to have them in my life and that evil will not prevail in eternity.

It's wrong that they died so violently, it's wrong that I don't have them and will live out my days without them. I will miss them to the depths of my soul for the rest of my days...but I was chosen to share 39 years with these remarkable, loving beings who taught me the essence of love and life and faith. So, where should my heart be?

This may be my newest lesson on this now 6 year journey of grief. The lesson of gratitude and release. To acknowledge that my faith is greater than my sorrow and to conciously let them go back to God from whom they came while I celebrate what I was blessed with while standing for justice for them.

I'm not saying that I can do any of this. But I think that it could be the key to unlocking the rest of my life (whatever that is going to be), the key to sanity, and they key to joyful rembrances without bitter pangs. I don't know girls. It seems tough, but I also thought it was worth mentioning to you, my sisters in sorrow.

with love,
Lorre

Maura (Melissa\'s mom)

IP: 64.12.117.6

Sep 21st, 2006 - 9:06 PM

Re: New Lesson

Lorre, I really appreciate what you wrote. It's only been 9 mos since my Melissa was murdered. Usually in the morning on my way to work is a real emotional time for me. I guess because it's quiet in the car and I start reflecting on things and I usually say to myself, "Why do you even put on makeup" But this morning I felt like God was telling me I needed to let go. Let go of the pain and sorrow and give it to him. To be thankful for the 28 wonderful years I had with her. I know I need to do that. And to trust God for the rest. For justice to be done.

Sometimes I think I've really got a handle on this and then bang it hits me hard again. But I know we are all not alone traveling this road. God is with each and every one of us. And one day we will be reunited with our angel children. That is one day I am so looking forward to. But until then my goal is for justice to be done and for the evil people that murdered her to get what they deserve.

I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. God be with you and thank you for sharing your epiphany with us all.

Love Maura

Lorre

IP: 207.200.116.70

Sep 22nd, 2006 - 2:02 AM

Re: New Lesson

Thank you Maura,

I wasn't sure about posting my thoughts since I am trying to wrap my own mind around the concept, but I am all for anything that might help someone else, if only a bit. So I am glad if it spoke to you at all. This site and the women I've met here have been a literal God-send to me. I get the most inspiration and sense of commaraderie from reading and replying to posts. You are still so fresh in this journey, but have a sense of tranquility and grace about you. I too want to see the evil punished that hurt my baby and my family. As I know each and every MOM does. I will be praying for your success in seeing what justice this world offers done for the evil that killed your beautiful dancer Melissa.

Love,
Lorre

Jackie Tommy's momma

IP: 204.73.103.253

Sep 22nd, 2006 - 2:39 PM

Re: New Lesson

that's beautiful Lorre, both your epiphany and your post to Moura, your a wonderful women and your words are always comforting. God Bless You, Jackie tommy's momma

Gail

IP: 206.75.101.226

Nov 23rd, 2006 - 9:44 PM

Re: New Lesson

Lorrie... thank you for sharing.... I am not even close to where you are but I do understand what you are saying. I hope sometime soon.

I have been having a difficult time of things since I last visited the website. Life goes on. Amazing! In my world (inside my heart - time has stopped at 3:54 am July 16, 2005) but somehow the rest of me goes on. Not well, - I actually told my husband tonight that I look forward/want to die. I just can not handle things anymore. Of course I know that that does not mean I would do anything to bring this on - other than pray for God to take me home.

There is just too much stress in my life right now and when the dust settles things will be better.

But I am pleased to see you are where you are at. If that makes any sense. Perhaps there is hope after all. For what I don't know. but perhaps.

michele

IP: 71.97.129.97

Nov 24th, 2006 - 9:03 AM

Re: New Lesson

dear lorre,
thank you for sharing your messsage of hope. I completely agree. Once this concept settled into my head, it brought me to a new level of peace with what happened to my boys. I am also six years into this journey. so to all of you moms who are just begining this long process of greiving and acceptance, DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED that the concept sounds good but your heart has found no comfort in these words. It takes a lot of time and a lot of tears to process all of this. but in time you too will find peace with what has happened to your babies. just hang in there as best you can. and if that means only being able to get up and sit on the couch all day-so be it. god will comfort your heart and help to heal the wound that seems to be unbearable at this time.

Karen Wes's mom

IP: 12.72.169.201

Nov 25th, 2006 - 5:49 AM

Re: New Lesson

Wow Lorre!
This puts a new spin on my grief.
I've been hung up on guilt. I have to hang on to it, we have become so close guilt and I. It is a selfish thing, I suppose that has something to do with why I wear it so well.

Now, I have the feeling that guilt and I are not so 'hand in hand' after reading your post. It really has had a profound effect on my thinking. It's like such a fresh new path for my mind to take that I may begin to shed an old friend or two. (in my perfect world).

The journey will remain a long tortuous one if I resist being enlightened by new thoughts. I'm thinking I need to work it into an emotion somehow so I can better grasp it. Breathe it. Inhale the gratitude and exhale the sadness (and guilt) (and all their little friends).

I'm in awe of you and your mind.

It is easy to be stuck with what I am familiar with. Just picture a lifeboat in the ocean, me in it, with one oar, going around and around. Here comes your voice telling me to row on both sides. I may not know where I'm going but I will now be moving.

I don't remember reading your post. When I saw the date you posted it I realized that I was in my hole, or under the covers, Wes's 24th birthday was the day before (Sept 20th). If I had read it, I must not of been ready for it because it obviously did not stir a reaction at that time like it has now.

Thank you!
Karen Wes's mom

Lorre

IP: 207.200.116.70

Nov 25th, 2006 - 10:20 AM

Re: New Lesson

Dear Gail and Karen,

I am glad that you have been able to hear what I posted on. Like I said, it can be difficult to wrap your mind around but once you get it, like Karen appropriately said- you can begin to breathe the gratitude in and the sadness out. As Michele noted, we are futher along in the process, and it does not mean there are not moments or times when we aren't sad or bitter. But it has given me much more peace to try and be grateful. Some people live their whole lives without the love that I had in mine for a time. I have to be grateful for that because the memories I have will carry me and remind me of who I am and who God intended for me to be. One day, we will be reunited and that life will continue on~ Blessings be to you on this journey!

Kathy "Ty's Mom"

IP: 70.142.50.193

Nov 26th, 2006 - 4:26 AM

Re: New Lesson

Lorre, You are indeed an amazing and wonderful woman and I thank you so much for your post. I have read it many times today and I pray that someday soon I can feel your thoughts in my heart. Perhaps someday soon, the words you wrote will replace the anger and emptiness that I feel. I have not read the posts for a few days now, nor have I checked my e-mails, or done much else as I should have. After reading your post I wish that I would have done so earlier as Thanksgiving has been===Well to be blunt===it has been HELL. The only thing that saved me from myself was the fact that Friday evening I was blessed by having my Ty's 3 year old son for the weekend. He is so wonderful and so much like his daddy. As you can see from the time I am writing this it is almost 4:ooa.m., I am having trouble sleeping as usual, but tonight I just keep looking at my grandson as he sleeps in my bed. I let him sleep with me just to keep him close. I know that may seem silly, I guess I am afraid of missing even one moment of the time I have him with me. As I watch him sleep, I am consumed by his sweetness and my love for him. And I also can't help but ask the question that has no answer, WHY, and my anger let's me know that it is very much alive and well at the senseless and brutal murder of my son and his daddy. I pray that in time I can find some sort of peace if that exists for me and that with time(and yes right now I find it hard to say or hear that phrase "with time") I can pull myself from this black hole. I must find a way to do that, my grandson needs me to be strong and be there for him. I have printed a copy of your post and I will continue reading it and perhaps by doing so, I hopefully will someday find peace in some way. God Bless You and Thank You.

Kathy "Ty's Mom"

Author	Comment
Lorre IP: 207.200.116.70 Sep 21, 06 - 11:18 AM	New Lesson To all of my beloved friends, As you know, I lost my adored grandmother (Dad's Mom) on Sept. 11th. We have just finished all of our memorials, funeral, etc. And out of towners are heading back to their homes. I wanted to share something that occurred to me when we had the graveside service...the pastor was speaking about how much we loved my Grandma and how thankful we were to have her, here in our lives, for so many years. He said we would now be returning her to God with gratitude for the time that we had with her and the light that she brought in our lives. This got me thinking to how Tracey wrote to me that everything that we love comes from God and returns to God. And I think I had something of an epiphany-which is of course-easier in theory than in practice. I was thinking, a huge part of my grief is the longing that I have for my parents, my son Taelor and for Josie and the future that Taelor and she were not able to share. For what evil deprived us all of. Then I began to think, maybe the challenge for me (and where healing might come from) is being able to release the sadness from my heart and to return them to God with gratitude. Mind you, I already believe that they are with God, but it is a much harder and more complex step to turn my own sorrow into gratitude and living my faith that we will be reunited. That God chose to have them in my life and that evil will not prevail in eternity. It's wrong that they died so violently, it's wrong that I don't have them and will live out my days without them. I will miss them to the depths of my soul for the rest of my days...but I was chosen to share 39 years with these remarkable, loving beings who taught me the essence of love and life and faith. So, where should my heart be? This may be my newest lesson on this now 6 year journey of grief. The lesson of gratitude and release. To acknowledge that my faith is greater than my sorrow and to conciously let them go back to God from whom they came while I celebrate what I was blessed with while standing for justice for them. I'm not saying that I can do any of this. But I think that it could be the key to unlocking the rest of my life (whatever that is going to be), the key to sanity, and they key to joyful rembrances without bitter pangs. I don't know girls. It seems tough, but I also thought it was worth mentioning to you, my sisters in sorrow. with love, Lorre Email: Lorresmf@aol.com Website: http://www.taelor-marks.memory-of.com
Maura (Melissa\'s mom) IP: 64.12.117.6 Sep 21st, 2006 - 9:06 PM	Re: New Lesson Lorre, I really appreciate what you wrote. It's only been 9 mos since my Melissa was murdered. Usually in the morning on my way to work is a real emotional time for me. I guess because it's quiet in the car and I start reflecting on things and I usually say to myself, "Why do you even put on makeup" But this morning I felt like God was telling me I needed to let go. Let go of the pain and sorrow and give it to him. To be thankful for the 28 wonderful years I had with her. I know I need to do that. And to trust God for the rest. For justice to be done. Sometimes I think I've really got a handle on this and then bang it hits me hard again. But I know we are all not alone traveling this road. God is with each and every one of us. And one day we will be reunited with our angel children. That is one day I am so looking forward to. But until then my goal is for justice to be done and for the evil people that murdered her to get what they deserve. I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. God be with you and thank you for sharing your epiphany with us all. Love Maura Email: honeybee4ever28@aol.com Website: http://melissa-ann-james.memory-of.com
Lorre IP: 207.200.116.70 Sep 22nd, 2006 - 2:02 AM	Re: New Lesson Thank you Maura, I wasn't sure about posting my thoughts since I am trying to wrap my own mind around the concept, but I am all for anything that might help someone else, if only a bit. So I am glad if it spoke to you at all. This site and the women I've met here have been a literal God-send to me. I get the most inspiration and sense of commaraderie from reading and replying to posts. You are still so fresh in this journey, but have a sense of tranquility and grace about you. I too want to see the evil punished that hurt my baby and my family. As I know each and every MOM does. I will be praying for your success in seeing what justice this world offers done for the evil that killed your beautiful dancer Melissa. Love, Lorre Email: Lorresmf@aol.com Website: http://www.taelor-marks.memory-of.com
Jackie Tommy's momma IP: 204.73.103.253 Sep 22nd, 2006 - 2:39 PM	Re: New Lesson that's beautiful Lorre, both your epiphany and your post to Moura, your a wonderful women and your words are always comforting. God Bless You, Jackie tommy's momma
Gail IP: 206.75.101.226 Nov 23rd, 2006 - 9:44 PM	Re: New Lesson Lorrie... thank you for sharing.... I am not even close to where you are but I do understand what you are saying. I hope sometime soon. I have been having a difficult time of things since I last visited the website. Life goes on. Amazing! In my world (inside my heart - time has stopped at 3:54 am July 16, 2005) but somehow the rest of me goes on. Not well, - I actually told my husband tonight that I look forward/want to die. I just can not handle things anymore. Of course I know that that does not mean I would do anything to bring this on - other than pray for God to take me home. There is just too much stress in my life right now and when the dust settles things will be better. But I am pleased to see you are where you are at. If that makes any sense. Perhaps there is hope after all. For what I don't know. but perhaps.
michele IP: 71.97.129.97 Nov 24th, 2006 - 9:03 AM	Re: New Lesson dear lorre, thank you for sharing your messsage of hope. I completely agree. Once this concept settled into my head, it brought me to a new level of peace with what happened to my boys. I am also six years into this journey. so to all of you moms who are just begining this long process of greiving and acceptance, DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED that the concept sounds good but your heart has found no comfort in these words. It takes a lot of time and a lot of tears to process all of this. but in time you too will find peace with what has happened to your babies. just hang in there as best you can. and if that means only being able to get up and sit on the couch all day-so be it. god will comfort your heart and help to heal the wound that seems to be unbearable at this time.
Karen Wes's mom IP: 12.72.169.201 Nov 25th, 2006 - 5:49 AM	Re: New Lesson Wow Lorre! This puts a new spin on my grief. I've been hung up on guilt. I have to hang on to it, we have become so close guilt and I. It is a selfish thing, I suppose that has something to do with why I wear it so well. Now, I have the feeling that guilt and I are not so 'hand in hand' after reading your post. It really has had a profound effect on my thinking. It's like such a fresh new path for my mind to take that I may begin to shed an old friend or two. (in my perfect world). The journey will remain a long tortuous one if I resist being enlightened by new thoughts. I'm thinking I need to work it into an emotion somehow so I can better grasp it. Breathe it. Inhale the gratitude and exhale the sadness (and guilt) (and all their little friends). I'm in awe of you and your mind. It is easy to be stuck with what I am familiar with. Just picture a lifeboat in the ocean, me in it, with one oar, going around and around. Here comes your voice telling me to row on both sides. I may not know where I'm going but I will now be moving. I don't remember reading your post. When I saw the date you posted it I realized that I was in my hole, or under the covers, Wes's 24th birthday was the day before (Sept 20th). If I had read it, I must not of been ready for it because it obviously did not stir a reaction at that time like it has now. Thank you! Karen Wes's mom Email: k.e.mckellar@att.net
Lorre IP: 207.200.116.70 Nov 25th, 2006 - 10:20 AM	Re: New Lesson Dear Gail and Karen, I am glad that you have been able to hear what I posted on. Like I said, it can be difficult to wrap your mind around but once you get it, like Karen appropriately said- you can begin to breathe the gratitude in and the sadness out. As Michele noted, we are futher along in the process, and it does not mean there are not moments or times when we aren't sad or bitter. But it has given me much more peace to try and be grateful. Some people live their whole lives without the love that I had in mine for a time. I have to be grateful for that because the memories I have will carry me and remind me of who I am and who God intended for me to be. One day, we will be reunited and that life will continue on~ Blessings be to you on this journey! Email: lorresmf@aol.com Website: http://www.taelor-marks.memory-of.com
Kathy "Ty's Mom" IP: 70.142.50.193 Nov 26th, 2006 - 4:26 AM	Re: New Lesson Lorre, You are indeed an amazing and wonderful woman and I thank you so much for your post. I have read it many times today and I pray that someday soon I can feel your thoughts in my heart. Perhaps someday soon, the words you wrote will replace the anger and emptiness that I feel. I have not read the posts for a few days now, nor have I checked my e-mails, or done much else as I should have. After reading your post I wish that I would have done so earlier as Thanksgiving has been===Well to be blunt===it has been HELL. The only thing that saved me from myself was the fact that Friday evening I was blessed by having my Ty's 3 year old son for the weekend. He is so wonderful and so much like his daddy. As you can see from the time I am writing this it is almost 4:ooa.m., I am having trouble sleeping as usual, but tonight I just keep looking at my grandson as he sleeps in my bed. I let him sleep with me just to keep him close. I know that may seem silly, I guess I am afraid of missing even one moment of the time I have him with me. As I watch him sleep, I am consumed by his sweetness and my love for him. And I also can't help but ask the question that has no answer, WHY, and my anger let's me know that it is very much alive and well at the senseless and brutal murder of my son and his daddy. I pray that in time I can find some sort of peace if that exists for me and that with time(and yes right now I find it hard to say or hear that phrase "with time") I can pull myself from this black hole. I must find a way to do that, my grandson needs me to be strong and be there for him. I have printed a copy of your post and I will continue reading it and perhaps by doing so, I hopefully will someday find peace in some way. God Bless You and Thank You. Kathy "Ty's Mom" Email: sebacathorn@sbcglobal.net